Updates!

Sorry I haven't been keeping y'all updated, but, there isn't a whole lot to tell, I haven't been dating lately. I can't bring myself to go through the hurt and the disappointment again.

I just don't feel like My Person is out there, and I don't really see the reason to waste my time with men who aren't My True Love and hurt me anyway, ya know?

Instead, I just pick at wounds that I'm trying to heal, and, it won't end well, I am sure. One minute, I feel like I can handle it, I can be strong and it doesn't impact me any longer. And then BAM! I am suddenly right back where I don't want to be. My stomach is doing somersaults and my face gets flushed and I can't wait to see him again.

It's so dumb. I'm certain that person is My Person, I'm certain we are Perfect For Each Other, but, I have to remember the hurt, the bad things he did, the heartbreak he caused. As human nature, we can dull the pain, forget it--much like childbirth I imagine, and focus on the good. The good times, the laugher, the friendship--we remember that. And in these times, these dark times, I remember that, the joy, the bond we shared, and I cling to it. Hoping it can work. Hoping we can get our act together. Hoping beyond hope.

Not able to put that box away, like I thought I did. Unable to close that door. Unsure if I ever will be able to. Holding the hope that someone will make me forget him, forget us, and finally, finally, close that door.

But, we aren't there yet.

Because, after explosions in West, and tornadoes in Oklahoma, he was the only one to reach out and check on me.

He'd seen the news on the Beeb and was worried about me. Which makes it all the worse.

Thanks, for that one, Mother Nature.....

The door won't close.

It was bound to happen...

When I got my heart broken majorly the last time, I turned to online dating (ugh). It wasn't all horrible. I didn't meet the love of my life, but, I went on some dates and it wasn't horrible.

I did, however, have one awful date. Just awful. There aren't really words, other than "awkward, awful, boring, embarrassing, awful". Luckily, that date has just kind of become a joke between myself and my friends.

Weeeeellllll....

Imagine my surprise when this morning I get a message from said man on said dating site introducing himself and saying we should get together.

UM. WE DID. IT WAS MISERABLE.

Y'all. He FORGOT. Forgot we went out! And in one of the pictures on my profile, I am wearing the dress I wore on our date.

Y'all.

And, before you ask, because you will, yes, it is him. With 100% surety. Screenname is the same, the name is the same--it's him.

Oh, lordy. Was not prepared for that.

In other news, I'm going to the animal shelter next week. Picking up about a dozen cats.

The Wedding Date

The other day, I found myself baking cookies, drinking Diet Coke and watching Sex & The City--I really felt I was doing my girl Bridget Jones proud.

Sadly, those moments have happened more and more in the last few weeks, I am struggling--but, what else is new? My point exactly.

I am trying to push those thoughts out of my head, but, truth is, I've just been asked to be the maid of honor in my cousin's wedding this summer--my most beloved cousin, the woman I am named after--her wedding. You know, with family and fancy dresses and everyone seeing me there ALONE.

Mortifying. Very, very mortifying.

And of course, my parents have told me "you can just come with us!" which is true, I could, but, really? No sir. Then comes the whole part that it is a family wedding, so, I don't want to take just A Date, I'd rather take A Boyfriend Type Man Thing, but, how do I find one of those? And then I flash back to thoughts of introducing a certain ex to my family and how he would have fit in perfectly and loved my hilariously insane crew. So, there's that.

But seriously, how does a workaholic, nearly 30, world traveling, yoga teaching gal meet a respectable man? Because I've got no earthly idea.

Fill a sister in!

The thing about trust....

Happy Sunday! Today, all I want to do is sit at a leisurely brunch, eating French toast and chatting with my friends, but, instead I'm holed up at a Starbucks for free WiFi while I wait for my boss to open the studio. It's not as bad as it sounds, really.

This morning, I got to thinking about trust. I am, as anyone would tell you, forever Pollyanna. I believe the good in everyone and everything--no matter how many times I've been burned, I will hold out hope that the goodness will emerge. I slap on a happy face even when I've gotten no sleep and want to cry. My boss pointed out to everyone yesterday that I was Little Miss Optimist. Tis true. I am. It's just a better way to live life, ya know? Happy--even fake happy is better than emo grunge band depressed.

But, it's a real pain in the ass in the dating world.

Let me explain: because of my Suzi Sunshine disposition, I am inclined to believe you when you say things to me. When you say you want to date me and only me, I believe you. When you say you want to run off to Rome with me, I believe you. When we spend every single night together and you tell me you miss me when I'm away--I believe you. I wouldn't say I am gullible (maybe I am), but, when it comes to matters of the heart, I am entirely too trusting.

Even with as burned, battered, and bruised as I am, I still trust, still believe. Because, as dumb as it is, I  hold onto hope. Onto the fact that we can be inclined for good. That people mean what they say. Although every single experience I've had over the last year has been otherwise.

What I need to do, is harden myself. Figure out how to not trust, how to not believe. How to just hear the words and let them slide off me. Not to let them get into my soul and twist me all up inside.

But, how? How do I pretend I don't care? Because y'all, I care. I care about everything. I am empathetic to a leaf on tree for godsakes!

This week, I am making the epic mistake of going to the symphony with an ex, RC, whom, I still haven't told you about because it's still to hard and also, I don't even know what to say. We've remained friends, which, sometimes is great, other times, it's gut wrenchingly horrible and I want to stab myself in the eye because he's a big big jerk who I loved and who has gotten to know sides of me hidden for so long that I can't cut him out of my life because I need someone who knows THAT version of me. Jesus.

And he is  the bastard who doesn't trust, who doesn't believe, who cannot commit. So, basically, I need him to be my Jedi Master.

And also, I need to find a super hot, maybe somewhat slutty dress to wear to the symphony. Very "You Messed Up And Lost This", you know. Oh lawsy mercy, I am an idiot. But, free tickets to the symphony from my former boss? I couldn't say no!!

How do you get over the pain? How do you turn your heart off and stop trusting? How?

Where to begin today?

I have plenty to fill you in on, because I am the queen of when it rains it pours, making all the bad decisions, picking the wrong guys, etc, etc--if it's a cliche, solid chance it applies to me.

I think I'll tell you about Man Who Went Three (Four?) Weeks Without Asking Me On A Second Date.

We had a great first date, talked for hours, two separate restaurants-- the whole nine. Called me three days later, we chatted--good times. Lovely, lovely.

But after I hadn't heard in two weeks, I gave up hope. I mean, I wasn't madly in love with him, so, it wasn't too much of heartbreak, but, still, ya know, I'm freaking adorable, Y U NO CALL ME?!

Finally, three weeks later, he asked me out again. Via text. I hate technology. I was out of town, so, I told him I couldn't see him until the following week. We made plans, it was all nice.

He invited me to a Muse concert--oh my gosh--I was so excited! Here's where things got dicey. We agreed to meet up when I got off work at 5:15, have dinner and then go to the show. Sounds good, right?

So, I didn't hear from him until 6:50. The concert starts at 7. At this point I think I'm being stood up, which, let's be honest for me, wouldn't be a big shock.

When I do hear from him, he's just leaving his house, which is 30 minute away. Can we meet at Such and Such Restaurant? I hate Such and Such Restaurant, but, I figure "sure, we can grab some food". I leave for the place and when I am literally down the street, the text comes that he is running late and it will be another half an hour. It's after 8:30 at this point, and I'm beginning to get annoyed.

When he finally meets me at the place, he tells me we have to go--I have taken a few sips of my Diet Coke I ordered while waiting and am beyond starving at this point--I mean, I assumed I was going to get to eat food tonight. I'm wrong. His friends are in the car (drinking beers, I might add), so, you'll just follow us to the arena? I tell him I spent all my cash on valet, since I was told we were carpooling to the arena. He doesn't offer to take me to an ATM or find a place for me to park or anything. Le sigh.

Boy does not know downtown AT ALL, so, I spend another 30 minutes following he and his probably drunk friends and I'm growing more and more frustrated. I know my way around town, but, am trying to let him be the man here, even though it's been a miserable day waiting for him to call, waiting on him to be late and then, at 9:57PM, he finds one single parking spot, leaving me to drive around even more.

Eventually, knowing I had an 8AM flight to catch the following morning, I called him and said I was going home. He was piiiiiiiised. Which I understand, but, my hell, you say let's have dinner at 5:15 and don't show up until 9PM, no. No. I offered to pay him for the tickets, but explained that I spent the entire evening waiting around on him with very little communication, I had told him I was leaving on an early flight and I had actually hoped to see him. I told him I would like to see him again, when I got back in town.

That was two weeks ago. No word. Not that I am surprised at all, not that I really wanted to see him again anyway (I can't handle this immature, poor communication, drunk friends nonsense), but, at least maybe an acknowledgment of his poor behavior, or something--anything.

And yes, I should have known when we went three weeks without asking me out again, I should have known. Ughhh. This, this my friends is why I am two seconds away from totally giving up. Because really, is this what I am waiting for? If so, I am moving to Austria and becoming a nun. Maybe then I'll marry a captain with seven children. And we'll sing. Duh.

(My Daniel Cleaver to Mr. Darcy ratio is getting out of control. I need to meet a nice boy!)

The kiss off

Tonight I am cuddled up with some brownies watching The Sound of Music--which is my go to movie for everything. It's my happy movie, my "world is falling apart" movie, my "there is a storm outside and I want comfort" movie. Tonight, it is my "passing the time until midnight and I can download Les Miserables onto my computer" movie. Because I will be staying up until midnight to do so and if I am not distracted I will start crying the ugly cry!

Maria solves everything. At least temporarily.

I am really struggling tonight. One of my favorite coworkers, the girl I am probably closest to at my job has had a miserable week, her pregnant little sister was badly injured in a hit and run, so we closed up shop for the night so she could be with her sister, which leaves me home alone yet again. I realize my whiny is nothing compared to what AB and her sister and going through, but, it still sucks.

You see, when I heard we were off tonight I was tres excited because I was meant to see a boy, so I anxiously texted to see if we were still on for dinner.  Welp, it's 8PM and I haven't heard back, so, I'm thinking "no". And I also just ate about a pound of cheese, so, there's that too.

This is the thing--the kiss off. All the men I even look at end up doing this. We have a lovely time together, great few dates--or in some cases, months--and then suddenly, they have fallen off the face of the earth. Which brings me to this? Are men really such giant babies these days that they can't just end things like an adult? Yeah, being dumped sucks ass (trust me, I know, happened recently), but, in the end, it hurts way less than the kiss off. The kiss off is just mean.

I got in a fight with my ex once (after we broke up no less!) and asked him if I was getting the standard "his first name and last name kiss off". He's an expert at the kiss off and I suspect may be tutoring all the other men I meet. Seems to be my lot in life lately. Just the girl all men forget. The girl that isn't worthy of a goodbye. The girl who wasn't interesting or pretty enough for an actual relationship. The girl who isn't anything.

So, as I sit here attempting to hold my head up, I will channel my beloved Maria "besides what you see, I have confidence in me!". If I say it enough, will be be true?

This is my point

Sorry I've been MIA--had a work trip to Denver, then caught a cold and now heading off to DC to run a race. Don't worry, I have plenty to catch you up on, including but not limited to: awkward comments from Starbucks baristas; men who text after a three (four?) week hiatus; stalking Gerard Butler's younger, blonder twin through Denver (no, really, I even tried to snap a picture, but, damn Amanda kept getting her giant purse in my way)......and really cute boys who say they want to see you and only you, but, uh, never actually see you.

Someone go get me a cat. Or like 15 of them. And maybe some knitting supplies..... We are weeks away from Crazy Cat Lady status!